I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize