but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
