Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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