my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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