some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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