I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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