do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
