My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
