i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
