How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
