he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
