These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
