so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
