just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
