i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
