I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
