come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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