Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize