Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
