nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Oh god it's open bar.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
