I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
