I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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