Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
