Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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