we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
