he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
