Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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