fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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