I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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