Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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