he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
