There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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