Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
