There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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