People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think my nap took me to another dimension
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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