Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
