did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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