Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
