Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
