That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize