Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's blow job season.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
