Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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