You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
