If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize