I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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