It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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