omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
