How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
