Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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