Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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