Just took my morning after pill in the library
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
