Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize