Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
