There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
