Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I look better un-naked...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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