i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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