Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
