Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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